I have been writing this blog so that everyone that I love, and those that I want to extract love/loyalty/future advertising revenue from will have easy access to my stories and experiences. There are a few individuals who are amazingly supportive of me, mostly because they are also probably-not-sane and recently I have come to find out that John is one of them. John and I met at The Brit in downtown Monterey when he was at DLI, and through a series of ridiculous events we became fast friends. Sometimes when you meet someone and you hit it off and you are young and immature you run around a classy part of town screaming ludicrous things, it forges a lifelong bond that can't be replicated, replaced or rationalized. That's sometimes kind of how things work.
So John, since you are in Afghanistan and you told me that you read my blog and also because you have a special place in my heart and I love you, I am going to review a few beers for your entertainment. Of course, they are going to be lewd, you sick-sick bastard. And of course I chose only year-round beers so I can always get my hands on them for you when you return to the contiguous 48. So this is for you, and all the other men and women far, far away from Beeradelphia: I hope you enjoy this and know that you are in our hearts.
Old Chub Scotch Ale (Oskar Blues Brewing)
You know you have one right now anyways. But now that I'm going to tell you this is an 8% Scottish style strong ale you are going to go full fledge. Tall, dark and handsome, just how you like it. And strong. Oh and it comes in a can so once you ruck to the top of a mountain you can pop it open, allow the boozyness to infiltrate all of your senses and then crush it in one fist while screaming at the top of your lungs in a proclamation of your manliness. Or at least that's how I would imagine you would conquer this beverage if you were to take it into the great outdoors. Or the porch.
Bare Ass Blonde (DuClaw Brewing)
I hate to lead you on friend, but after the Old Chub, well, this had to follow. Duclaw made this American Blonde just for men such as yourself. Unrestrained drinkers who place value on taste and also on how long you can go. After all, you do like to make it last, don't you? With this Blonde you can last all night, past the wee morning hours and she wouldn't even hold you back from PT. At 5.0% this session beer is cool and easy. There's a nice mouth-feel and she doesn't kick and complain like some over hopped blondes; but alas, she is a tease with just less than a 1/4 inch of head. Blondes have more fun they say, and every once in awhile you can find one that will treat you just right.
Raging Bitch IPA (Flying Dog)
Well, blondes might have all the fun, but this Belgian IPA will give you the excitement of a redhead with the stability of a brunette. She is bitter and dry, but you will order two, because you like it. You might get flushed with the high ABV (8.3%) and you might want to slam some doors, but damn if you wouldn't call her at 3 AM when you get home from the bar and need a night cap: with your $3 pizza from the sketchy joint on the backside of Alvarado Street that is run by the same mobsters who decided to change Docs into another stupid sushi restaurant/ strip club. Her full body sidles up to your taste buds and you can't exactly tell if its clove or fig that you are getting hints of, but you don't always have to know everything to enjoy it. The malts and hops give you the satisfaction you were craving, but you know by the weekend you are going to want something that can take you to the next level.
Brown Angel (Clown Shoes)
Which is why we have, God bless them, Clown Shoes. You have spent years in the desert, and like Moses you crave the promised land. Well, if you want coffee and chocolate and hops with a twist of citrus, this American "interpretation" of a brown ale is just what you need. You don't need to talk to communicate, which I'm sure you have learned after all these years Sarg, Plus, talking can get in the way of the fun stuff, and who doesn't like a little surprise now and then? I guess you will have to tell me if you like it: you wouldn't know until you try.
So cheers, John, to adventures, beaches, liaisons, short people, dumb questions, Jaeger, Berlin and going to school. You crashed into my life and now we have some great stories. I can't wait until you come back and tell me with your ridiculous smirk some God-awful story that could never be false and would never be made up. Because you can't fake truth. So do your job well: we all love and miss you and wish that you were our medic when we were in distress.
Written with love for Sgt John Maghakian who is currently deployed at a FOB in Kandahar